Momference: A Meeting of the Moms

Momference wanted to take a minute on Mothers Day to pass a smile and a prayer to mothers everywhere. Thank you for the blessing you give to each of us everyday!

          
WHEN GOD CREATED MOTHERS by Erma Bombeck

When the Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared, and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts.. .all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said “Six Pairs of hands?…. No way.”

“Its not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s those three pairs of eyes that mothers have.”

“Is that on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded His head. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘what are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel touching his sleeve gently, “come to bed…try again Tomorrow….”

“I cant,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick.. Can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger…and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly, “Its too soft.” she sighed.

“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “you cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure ….”

The angel then ask, “can she think?”

“Not only think, but she can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You, You were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord, “it’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?” asked the angel.

“It’s for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, and pride.”

“Lord You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber and said, “I did not put it there.”

Before I got married, my mother sat me down to have “the talk.” I wasn’t looking forward to this, but I decided to grit my teeth and hear her out, even though I thought I knew what she was going to say, and furthermore, thought I knew more.

“Judy,” she began in a serious tone, “there’s one thing you need to understand about men.”

I nodded somberly, wishing I were anywhere, even having a tooth extracted by a Zulu tribesman using primitive instruments, rather than have to have this tete-a-tete with Mom about intimate relationships. She leaned forward and said, “Whenever your husband comes home and brings you flowers, just smile and say ‘Thank you,’ even if you hate them. Once, Daddy brought me flowers that I thought were ugly. I thought he’d want to know what I really liked, so I told him. He was so afraid of making another wrong choice that he didn’t bring me flowers again for 23 years.”

This revelation was more chilling than I ever imagined. While all the experts claimed that  open communication was a key to marital success, here was Mom, married to my father for 40 years, telling me to just keep my trap shut, perhaps dooming me to hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of bouquets of limp daisies during the decades to come. And there wouldn’t be a thing I could do about it without risking my marriage!

Mom had learned her lesson, and so when Dad brought home jewelry for her birthday or their anniversary that didn’t match her style, she quietly returned it all. Poor Dad. Defeated in the gift-buying department, he began enclosing checks in the anniversary and birthday cards, as if he were giving a bar mitzvah gift. I took note of this while growing up, and thought I would subvert the problem in my own marriage by “coincidentally” leaving pages torn from jewelry catalogs around the house, with my selection circled in fat, black marker. After all, a man’s ego is a sensitive life form – why take a chance and damage it so cavalierly by rejecting a gift when you could simply drop subtle hints?

Relationship experts also suggest that when you have something uncomfortable to say to a spouse, you do so in an empathic manner. Frankly, this hasn’t worked so well for me.  For example, after three months of unsatisfactory flowers early in my marriage, I decided to try this line:

“I understand that getting this many flowers for $9.99 at the gas station is a real bargain.  But I would really love it if sometimes you could purchase them in a floral shop, since the petals don’t fall off so fast.” My bold attempt at empathy was met with a hurt look, and just as Mom predicted, the bouquets temporarily stopped. But part of my message obviously had weasled its way through when about a month later, slightly more upscale bouquets came home, with a Big Gulp soda thrown in for free.

I know I’m not alone. My friend Debby once said to her husband, “I know that this jacket from high school has sentimental value, but if you look carefully, you’ll see it is also unraveling and is moth-eaten. Would you consider letting me get you a new one?”

When Debby admitted that this idea had bombed, I rolled my eyes. “Anyone who’s been married more than six months is entitled to surreptitiously help antiquated or embarrassing spousal clothing ‘disappear.’ It may even be a law.”

The eye-rolling I practiced above, in fact, is one of the many powerful non-verbal cues we have in our arsenals when words miss their mark. But it’s not the only one. These come in handy when in public, and include: rapid foot-tapping, kicking a spouse under the table (not too hard, lest people notice the spouse limping out of the social hall),  holding one’s breath (not too long, for obvious reasons) eyebrow furrowing (not too vigorously, lest you upset the normal pace of synapse firing), spiriting the leftover donuts out of the house to avoid tempting the dieting stay-at-home spouse, and exchanging “Isn’t our kid a genius?” looks when your little darling has uttered something precious with guests around.

One time, my grandfather tried to let my grandmother know that he found her sleeping attire too formal, shall we say. To make his point, one night Papa came dressed for bed in a tuxedo, top hat, and spats. This got them both laughing, and after all, laughter is the healthiest form of communication for every couple.

Want more laughs? Get Judy Gruen’s book, The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement, through her web site, www.judygruen.com, or through any online bookseller.

A dear male friend and business partner sent me this wonderful list with a note that said “for your inspiration.”  We hope that you enjoy it as much as we have at Momference!

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

• enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…
• something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…
• a youth she’s content to leave behind….
• a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….
• a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
• one friend who always makes her laugh…and one who lets her cry…
• a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored…
• a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW HOW TO…

• fall in love without losing herself.
• quit a job,
• break up with a lover,
• confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

• when to try harder…and WHEN TO WALK AWAY. ..   
• that she can’t change the length of her calves,
  the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
• that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…
• what she would and wouldn’t do for love…
• how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…
• whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…
• where to go…
  be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
  or a charming inn in the woods…
  when her soul needs soothing…
• what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
  a month…
  and a year…

What do you think that every woman should know or have in their life?  Please share your thoughts with us!

If you missed the Day 1 of Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play , then you missed tons of great expert advice on handling divorce! For example, check out Lilli Vasileff’s informative session from Day 1 Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play  event of the on “Handling Finances after Divorce!”

          
If you have not downloaded your free Momference Divorce Guide: Finding Balance After Divorce, then hurry over to the Freebies page to download your Divorce Guide today.  Plus, you can get Momference podcast “Career Perspectives – from Corporate to Mompreneur” AND “Handling Finances after Divore” absolutely FREE by signing up for Momference Muse today!

           
There are only 3 seats left in the Saturday, Day 2 Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play event, so sign up today! Even if you cant stay for all of the sessions, you get free podcasts of every minute!

Creating a strong virtual community of divorced women, Momference is partnering with industry experts and life coaches ready to answer personal questions by bring knowledge every session of the “Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play” event.   The “Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play” event will be conducted in a real time, virtual connections through webinars delivered directly to participants computers with free podcasts of all sessions (in case you cant be at a sessions) and virtual goodie bags of workshop materials.

It’s not too late to join the “Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play” event.

From the contemplation of separation to well after everything is divided including child custody, every step of divorce is difficult. So often, women struggle alone with the after effects of divorce without realizing that there is a support group from millions of women experiencing the journey of divorce joined by experts in the field relationship coaching.

Join Momference today for the Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play event to gain expert guidance on how to live after Divorce!

Hurry now to take advantage of the Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play event FREE special preview event and Momference Divorce Guide: Finding Balance After Divorce at http://momference.wordpress.com/free-events-and-guides/.

We spend more hours at work than any other generation, leaving us less time for housework and leisure time. If you value leisure time over housework, then de-stressing household chores should become your priority.
And with children in the house, well, comedian Phyllis Diller said it best: “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

Here are six tips to de-stress cleaning house, to give yourself more time for your family and yourself!

1. Delegate.
Don’t take on all housecleaning chores by yourself. Delegate weekly chores with a chart you make listing: person responsible, day of week, chore, reward. Adding a column for rewards is important to motivate you and your family toward success. In fact, think about what family restaurant outing or entertainment expense you believe is worth skipping to bring in a cleaning service once a month to give yourself a real vacation.

2. Spot clean each day. Get a bucket and fill it with a rag, cleaning fluid, paper towels and a scrub brush. Take it with you when you take a shower in the morning to spot clean (quick clean) as you go. Ditto with every room you visit each day. Spot cleaning each day prevents you from spending hours each week cleaning leftover messes. Then hide that bucket under the sink until the next day.

3. Choose a “clean sweep” day. On “clean sweep” day, whether it’s once a week or once a month, take your cleaning bucket from room to room and scour up. You can choose one room or two rooms per “clean sweep” day. Mark these days on your calendar to stay ahead of your mess.

4. Don’t be a maid to your things. If you have too much stuff to clean, get rid of some of your stuff. If you want to donate it, immediately put a box full of things to be donated inside your car trunk so the box doesn’t become one more thing to step over when you walk inside your door.

5. Integrate. Integrate pleasant or distracting activities into your house cleaning. While you fold clothes, watch a favorite show. Play dance music to energize you, and for the exercise as you go. Invite your children to describe their day while you clean the kitchen, and invite them to talk and help as you go.

6. Forgive yourself. Relax, because there’s no law against messy houses. If you are stressed-out, forgive yourself the chore of housecleaning. The mess will still be there tomorrow, but you’ll be in a better, calmer mood to attack it. If you get a surprise visit, laugh out loud about it. Laughter is contagious, and knowing not everyone is perfect (nor are their houses) is a refreshing break from the demands we place on ourselves and others.

____________________________________________

Ruth Klein, America’s trademarked De-Stress Diva, is a nationally renowned lifestyle and time management coach, best-selling author and consultant. With a master’s degree in clinical psychology, Ruth Klein has coached clients ranging from stay-at-home moms and working mothers to Fortune 500 executives on how to maximize their productivity, minimize their stress and enjoy a more rewarding life. She is the author of the book, “Time Management Secrets for Working Women,” which also will be the subject of an upcoming PBS Special.

I had a client recently who wanted to know if she could talk about her parents and in-laws with me.  I told her that all aspects of our lives affect our children so of course she could.  She told me she had an “over-bearing mother and sister” who wanted to dote on her children the whole time she was visiting.  As a result of the strained relationship she has with her mother she restricts visits to special occasions only.  As well, she said her parents and in-laws are at odds so family activities have to be planned to avoid the two sets of parents being in the same room.

I see a big part of my role as a parenting coach is to offer what I believe a child’s perspective might be.  I like to be able to give children a voice.  I explained to my client that the people who love our children the most are their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  You might find excellent child care providers but in terms of the level of love they have for your children, nothing can compare.  One thing we can never provide too much of is love.  We can buy them more clothes and toys than they possibly need but it’s impossible to provide them with more love than they need. The more people we include in our children’s lives that love and care for them, the better off they are. 

I offered my client the perspective that the issues she has with her mother and sister are among the three of them and have nothing to do with her children.  Why are they made to pay the price?  They are missing out on an enormous amount of love and caring that her family has to offer her children.  She said she had never looked at it that way.  Many children grow up never knowing their grandparents.  I’m one of them.  I always envied my friends whose grandparents were part of their lives.  A couple of close friends had grandmothers living within walking distance and we would often go together to visit.  I remember those visits vividly and they’re a big part of my childhood memories. 

Although my parents live ten hours away, we always made sure they were a big part of our children’s lives.  My father passed away a few years ago so I am so thankful my children have memories of the times they spent with him.  They even flew up north a few times on their own to visit which was special for all of us.  My mother has taken a huge part in my children’s lives, even from a distance.  My husband’s family live across the country so visits with them haven’t been as frequent but there have been enough to provide our children with a lot of treasured memories. 

Let’s be positive role models to our children and put aside our differences with our parents or other relatives so our children can be enriched by the love and caring of their extended family.
Written by:  Barbara Desmarais
                  Parenting and Life Coach
                  theparentingcoach.com
                  barb@theparentingcoach.com

When you speak of the Irish, talk often turns to luck. According to Wikipedia, this can be a tongue and cheek discussion of luck, since the Irish have fallen victim to many woes over the centuries. Another entry cited that when you catch a Leprechaun, you’ll get a piece of gold – which certainly would be lucky!

So how can you leverage the good luck of the Irish to turn your dating luck around? Let’s base the love-life shift on the shamrock’s three heart-shaped leaves:

1) Begin thinking of yourself as lucky in love
Lucky people usually think of themselves as lucky which further promotes more good luck. They expect to be lucky. So how would your love-life change if you felt lucky in love? You might feel more attractive to the opposite s*e*x. You might not fear rejection as much. You might imagine suddenly finding the love of your life. Not such a bad idea huh?

This concept mirrors “The Secret” and the Universal Law of Attraction which states “Like attracts like.” What that really means is that positive thinking attracts more positive thinking. And believing you are lucky in love will attract energy that makes you  - you’ve  got it – lucky in love. What have you got to lose?

2) Follow the rainbow to find the Leprechaun’s pot of gold
Or the romantic partner you’ve been seeking. Hmmm.  How does that apply? Well, rainbows seem like a bit of magic from the Universe and Leprechauns certainly have a magical quality. So can you stretch to believe that meeting the right person for you is part of the magic of the Universe and bound to happen? People find love every day. Why not you?

Personally, on my dating journey, sometimes what pulled me through the rougher times was reminding myself that everything has a purpose (even if we don’t know it.) So there must be a reason I’m doing all this to find a partner. And I chose to believe that the reasons behind it all, the good and the bad, were the lesson I needed to learn to FIND HIM.  Holding onto that faith tightly kept me going when I felt down. I got to the point where I knew undeniably that I was going to find the right man for me. And I did. If I can do it, I know you can too.

3) Get your own piece of gold to remind yourself that you are lucky
If you did meet a Leprechaun who rewarded you with a piece of gold, you’d probably never let go of it right? Well, what if you found your own talisman to remind you of your good fortune? You could get something like:

• One of those popular necklaces with a horseshoe (for more good luck of course)
  Carry a small coin stamped with lucky symbols (Celtic stores carry this type of thing)
• Or find a lucky pebble and maybe even paint it gold 

The actual item doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you find something that speaks to you about your lot in life and turning it around to the lucky soul you deserve to be – and truly are.

Take your luck into your own hands! Allow yourself this new belief of being lucky in love. Who knows where it will take you but expecting to be lucky in love, will definitely attract more luck to you. Here’s to getting lucky – in love and life!

*-*-*-*-*-*

author’s bio

Get a free list of 50 Ways to Find Your Lover at www.NeverTooLate.biz.  Discover the new breakthrough audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now by Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach. As a speaker, workshop leader, and author, Ronnie offers proven dating strategies via coaching, online profile writing and review, her book, audio programs, and her blog. She’s been featured on Sally Jesse Raphael Radio, MSN.com and MORE.com as well as TV, radio, and print. Ronnie found love and married over 40 and knows if she could do you, you can too!

While you hope that  your first marriage will last forever, statistics and experience often show that this is not the case—with nearly 1.7 million tying the knot for the second time in 2001 alone. But planning a wedding can be very different the next time around, especially if you find yourself preparing to be “Just Married” … with kids!

Whether you’re wedding a partner with children from a previous relationship, or you have kids yourself, here are some easy ways to involve the kids in your special day …

Planning the wedding:

Before the big day even arrives, consider getting your kids involved in the many aspects of planning a wedding.

• Picking out the rings. This can be very exciting, especially if you go to a jewelry store like Spence Diamonds where the kids can freely try on thousands of models themselves. Even if you have a specific style already in mind, being consulted on their opinions can make kids feel great.
• Sampling the food & cake. Something involving food? Need I say more?
• Fittings. Depending on their ages, getting fitted for a dress or tuxedo can be very exciting. As well, being involved in the selection of other dresses, wedding colours, or even jewelry can also help them feel part of the team.
• Attend bridal shows or another wedding together. These can be excellent ways for younger children to get a sense of what they might expect to see or do at your wedding.

At the wedding:

In addition to the common roles children often take (bridesmaid, groomsman, best man, usher, flower girl or ring bearer), here are a few other ideas on how to get them actively involved:

• Handing out wedding programs
• Taking pictures with disposable cameras
• Lighting a “Family Candle” in place of a “Unity Candle”
• Participating in the reciting of vows
• Walking you or with you down the isle
• Operating a bubble machine or handing out confetti or rice

At the reception:

After the wedding, there are still lots of things for kids to do:

• Helping to seat people
• Presenting wedding favours to the guests
• Reminding guests to sign the guestbook
• Organizing the gift table
• Taking part in a “family dance” (i.e. bride, groom and kids)

You could also make a special toast to the children immediately after the toast to the bride and groom. However, a small word of caution. Be sensitive to your children’s feelings and realize that kids are often shy. If they are reluctant, understand there may be many reasons for this and try to respect their wishes. Forcing children to participate rarely works out.

Regardless of how you involve you children, your efforts will be well worth it. Encouraging your kids to take active roles in your wedding not only affirms their importance in your life, but will also create memories to last a lifetime.

If you have not signed up for the upcoming FREE “Divorce: Passion, Power, and Play” event with Dr. Pepper Schwartz, then do it now before all the spaces are taken!

About the Author:
Rob Stringer, BA, BEd, CPC is an award-winning Educator and Parenting & Personal Success Coach who is passionate about helping people live lives they LOVE! In addition to coaching kids, young adults, parents & families, Rob also appears regularly in magazines across North America, offers workshops & keynotes, and is the host of The Parenting with Intention Radio Hour. To find out more and subscribe to his free monthly newsletter, visit www.ParentingWithIntention.ca.