Momference: A Meeting of the Moms

Momference wanted to take a minute on Mothers Day to pass a smile and a prayer to mothers everywhere. Thank you for the blessing you give to each of us everyday!

          
WHEN GOD CREATED MOTHERS by Erma Bombeck

When the Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared, and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts.. .all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said “Six Pairs of hands?…. No way.”

“Its not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s those three pairs of eyes that mothers have.”

“Is that on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded His head. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘what are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel touching his sleeve gently, “come to bed…try again Tomorrow….”

“I cant,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick.. Can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger…and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly, “Its too soft.” she sighed.

“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “you cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure ….”

The angel then ask, “can she think?”

“Not only think, but she can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You, You were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord, “it’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?” asked the angel.

“It’s for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, and pride.”

“Lord You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber and said, “I did not put it there.”

Before I got married, my mother sat me down to have “the talk.” I wasn’t looking forward to this, but I decided to grit my teeth and hear her out, even though I thought I knew what she was going to say, and furthermore, thought I knew more.

“Judy,” she began in a serious tone, “there’s one thing you need to understand about men.”

I nodded somberly, wishing I were anywhere, even having a tooth extracted by a Zulu tribesman using primitive instruments, rather than have to have this tete-a-tete with Mom about intimate relationships. She leaned forward and said, “Whenever your husband comes home and brings you flowers, just smile and say ‘Thank you,’ even if you hate them. Once, Daddy brought me flowers that I thought were ugly. I thought he’d want to know what I really liked, so I told him. He was so afraid of making another wrong choice that he didn’t bring me flowers again for 23 years.”

This revelation was more chilling than I ever imagined. While all the experts claimed that  open communication was a key to marital success, here was Mom, married to my father for 40 years, telling me to just keep my trap shut, perhaps dooming me to hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of bouquets of limp daisies during the decades to come. And there wouldn’t be a thing I could do about it without risking my marriage!

Mom had learned her lesson, and so when Dad brought home jewelry for her birthday or their anniversary that didn’t match her style, she quietly returned it all. Poor Dad. Defeated in the gift-buying department, he began enclosing checks in the anniversary and birthday cards, as if he were giving a bar mitzvah gift. I took note of this while growing up, and thought I would subvert the problem in my own marriage by “coincidentally” leaving pages torn from jewelry catalogs around the house, with my selection circled in fat, black marker. After all, a man’s ego is a sensitive life form – why take a chance and damage it so cavalierly by rejecting a gift when you could simply drop subtle hints?

Relationship experts also suggest that when you have something uncomfortable to say to a spouse, you do so in an empathic manner. Frankly, this hasn’t worked so well for me.  For example, after three months of unsatisfactory flowers early in my marriage, I decided to try this line:

“I understand that getting this many flowers for $9.99 at the gas station is a real bargain.  But I would really love it if sometimes you could purchase them in a floral shop, since the petals don’t fall off so fast.” My bold attempt at empathy was met with a hurt look, and just as Mom predicted, the bouquets temporarily stopped. But part of my message obviously had weasled its way through when about a month later, slightly more upscale bouquets came home, with a Big Gulp soda thrown in for free.

I know I’m not alone. My friend Debby once said to her husband, “I know that this jacket from high school has sentimental value, but if you look carefully, you’ll see it is also unraveling and is moth-eaten. Would you consider letting me get you a new one?”

When Debby admitted that this idea had bombed, I rolled my eyes. “Anyone who’s been married more than six months is entitled to surreptitiously help antiquated or embarrassing spousal clothing ‘disappear.’ It may even be a law.”

The eye-rolling I practiced above, in fact, is one of the many powerful non-verbal cues we have in our arsenals when words miss their mark. But it’s not the only one. These come in handy when in public, and include: rapid foot-tapping, kicking a spouse under the table (not too hard, lest people notice the spouse limping out of the social hall),  holding one’s breath (not too long, for obvious reasons) eyebrow furrowing (not too vigorously, lest you upset the normal pace of synapse firing), spiriting the leftover donuts out of the house to avoid tempting the dieting stay-at-home spouse, and exchanging “Isn’t our kid a genius?” looks when your little darling has uttered something precious with guests around.

One time, my grandfather tried to let my grandmother know that he found her sleeping attire too formal, shall we say. To make his point, one night Papa came dressed for bed in a tuxedo, top hat, and spats. This got them both laughing, and after all, laughter is the healthiest form of communication for every couple.

Want more laughs? Get Judy Gruen’s book, The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement, through her web site, www.judygruen.com, or through any online bookseller.

When you speak of the Irish, talk often turns to luck. According to Wikipedia, this can be a tongue and cheek discussion of luck, since the Irish have fallen victim to many woes over the centuries. Another entry cited that when you catch a Leprechaun, you’ll get a piece of gold – which certainly would be lucky!

So how can you leverage the good luck of the Irish to turn your dating luck around? Let’s base the love-life shift on the shamrock’s three heart-shaped leaves:

1) Begin thinking of yourself as lucky in love
Lucky people usually think of themselves as lucky which further promotes more good luck. They expect to be lucky. So how would your love-life change if you felt lucky in love? You might feel more attractive to the opposite s*e*x. You might not fear rejection as much. You might imagine suddenly finding the love of your life. Not such a bad idea huh?

This concept mirrors “The Secret” and the Universal Law of Attraction which states “Like attracts like.” What that really means is that positive thinking attracts more positive thinking. And believing you are lucky in love will attract energy that makes you  - you’ve  got it – lucky in love. What have you got to lose?

2) Follow the rainbow to find the Leprechaun’s pot of gold
Or the romantic partner you’ve been seeking. Hmmm.  How does that apply? Well, rainbows seem like a bit of magic from the Universe and Leprechauns certainly have a magical quality. So can you stretch to believe that meeting the right person for you is part of the magic of the Universe and bound to happen? People find love every day. Why not you?

Personally, on my dating journey, sometimes what pulled me through the rougher times was reminding myself that everything has a purpose (even if we don’t know it.) So there must be a reason I’m doing all this to find a partner. And I chose to believe that the reasons behind it all, the good and the bad, were the lesson I needed to learn to FIND HIM.  Holding onto that faith tightly kept me going when I felt down. I got to the point where I knew undeniably that I was going to find the right man for me. And I did. If I can do it, I know you can too.

3) Get your own piece of gold to remind yourself that you are lucky
If you did meet a Leprechaun who rewarded you with a piece of gold, you’d probably never let go of it right? Well, what if you found your own talisman to remind you of your good fortune? You could get something like:

• One of those popular necklaces with a horseshoe (for more good luck of course)
  Carry a small coin stamped with lucky symbols (Celtic stores carry this type of thing)
• Or find a lucky pebble and maybe even paint it gold 

The actual item doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you find something that speaks to you about your lot in life and turning it around to the lucky soul you deserve to be – and truly are.

Take your luck into your own hands! Allow yourself this new belief of being lucky in love. Who knows where it will take you but expecting to be lucky in love, will definitely attract more luck to you. Here’s to getting lucky – in love and life!

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author’s bio

Get a free list of 50 Ways to Find Your Lover at www.NeverTooLate.biz.  Discover the new breakthrough audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now by Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach. As a speaker, workshop leader, and author, Ronnie offers proven dating strategies via coaching, online profile writing and review, her book, audio programs, and her blog. She’s been featured on Sally Jesse Raphael Radio, MSN.com and MORE.com as well as TV, radio, and print. Ronnie found love and married over 40 and knows if she could do you, you can too!

Making friends isn’t as easy as it used to be. In the old days, you met someone at work, a party, or a class, struck up a conversation, and voila! A friendship was born. That is so very retro. Today’s friendships are happening online, on MySpace, Facebook, SmugMug, Friendster, Frappr, and other social networking sites. In fact, in the time it took me to type that sentence, five new social networking sites went live, most of them with names that are also missing vowels.

It would seem that just by sending emails to the right people, you, too, can become popular. But since you are now judged not by the company you keep, but by volume, the pressure to collect friends is intense. Unless you have at least 858 friends on one of these sites, you might as well ship off to Embarrass, Minnesota.
 
I found it tough enough to pay attention to the friends I already had, so I vowed to sit this whole cyber-friendship thing out. I needed to go hunting new social quarry online like I needed another orthodontist bill. But business networking experts keep insisting that online social networking is critical to one’s career success. My resistance weakened, but hadn’t yet caved in. Then one day I received this email:

“Ben added you as a friend on Facebook.  We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, friends with Ben.”

Well, I thought, if invitations were going to start pouring in this easily, I’d hop on the cyber-friendship train. I immediately registered with Facebook to confirm that Ben was, in fact, my friend. I had known the guy for 15 years, and was flattered by his invitation. After all, it’s not every 15-year-old who will ask his mother to be his friend on Facebook.

I viewed Ben’s profile, which revealed that he was interested in women (I already knew that) and was looking for “friendship” and “random play.” Ben also had 92 friends on Facebook. I had a lot of catching up to do, and not just in scoring new friends. As his mother, it was my duty to look at all his friends’ profiles and make sure there were no girls whose photos I thought were overly suggestive.

After approving Ben’s friends, I began a targeted marketing effort to become popular online. In less than two weeks, I had secured six Facebook friends, and only three of them were my kids. One was my next door neighbor, David; one was my web site designer; and the last one was a guy named Rich whose photo was taken while he was riding an elephant. I’m not sure I know him, but he had the same name as a guy I used to work with, and it wouldn’t surprise me one whit if that guy would have ended up riding elephants. 

One day, while “managing” my small group of friends online, I “wrote on the wall” of one of my son’s pages to say hi. I still hadn’t figured out how to expand my online social circle, and I was running out of children and next-door neighbors. My son wrote back on my wall: “Mom, the fact that you only have 6 friends is making me reconsider our friendship unless this area of your Facebook life improves.” Would he actually delete me as a friend for my paltry social status? He wouldn’t dare. He is still too dependent on regular cash infusions from the Bank of J. and J. Gruen.

Although I thought that belonging to Facebook made me at least a little bit cool, I was disabused of this notion by one of my kid’s friends.  He sniffed, “Facebook is for older people. Cool people are on MySpace, ShoutWire, or Wetpaint.” Adding insult to injury, he said this while taking a third helping of pizza from my dinner table.

I went though my email contact list, looking to see if I could “upsell” a mere contact to friend status. I found a few already registered, and am now waiting anxiously to see if the will accept my invitation to become friends. If they do, I’ll be up to nine friends, only 83 behind Ben. 

I suspect that despite my efforts, this whole business of collecting “friends” like kids used to collect baseball cards or marbles is just too complicated, too silly, and too nosy. You have to divulge how you know people, checking the appropriate box: “We went to school together.” “We dated.” “We worked together.” “We lived together.” “We snorted cocaine together.” (I made up that last one, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that question wasn’t on some of the other sites, especially the ones missing vowels.) 

Oh, good news! I just got an email saying that Aaron has just agreed to be my friend! We were college buddies, studying Shakespeare together. Now I have seven friends!

Perhaps if I post an intriguing photo of myself on my page – perhaps, like Rich, posed on an elephant – I’ll attract new relationships. But I’m also willing to concede defeat and go back to “managing” my friendships the old fashioned way: sending emails, text messaging, trying to reach them on their cell phones, and occasionally, seeing them in person.

Now I’m off to an urban safari, hunting for a stray elephant who will let me take a picture of the two of us. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. Imagine how thin I’ll look while perched on an elephant! 
About the Author:

Judy Gruen’s latest book is The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement. You can read more of her work on www.judygruen.com. She is still accepting more invitations for Facebook friendship.

Judy Gruen
www.judygruen.com
Author, The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement

“Any book that can make me laugh at EVERY story deserves a 5-star rating from me.” — Connie Anderson, Armchairreviews.com

Order today on amazon.com: http://snipurl.com/ironysupp

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Cupid may be popular in some circles, but in others, he’d wouldn’t do much better than Giuliani. Most singles today are content with their solo-status and feel it’s not worth the trouble to look for love. According to a study conducted by AARP among people 40-70, only 16% are willing to do anything to find love. That’s why Cupid couldn’t garner enough votes to win a primary. It’s seems this icon of romance no longer stands for what the people want.

But wait a minute – is that really true?

AOL just released a survey about love on January 2nd that showed 66% of people 40-49 believe they can have more than one soul mate in a life time and for respondents 50-69, that belief rose to a whopping 72%! So, if people assume more than one perfect love is possible, how come so few want to take steps to find it? Have boomer singles gotten lazy, disenchanted, or simply dropped romance as a priority because the adult dating game is too confusing?

Regardless of what may hold people back from looking for love, here are four savvy strategies for finding love this Valentine’s season.

1) Get Out There!
Dating has become big business because there are so many adult singles. That means there are lots of ways to meet new people! To increase your chances of finding the right date for you, try a mix of events like dances, speed dating, and meetup.com groups. Look in your local paper, your town’s online calendar, on craigslist.com and meetup.com.

2) Relax and Enjoy
Meeting new people can actually be fun! If you take the pressure off and just enjoy getting to know folks, you will undoubtedly encounter some very interesting prospects. As boomers, you don’t have to worry if a potential partner will be good for raising a family, so you can relax some criteria from your youth that no longer applies.

3) Enlist Your Network
Don’t hide the fact that you’d like to find a relationship – tell your friends and family! You might even share your desire with a few trusted colleagues. Your personal network is one of your best resources for drumming up blind dates, so allow those close to you to help with your search.

4) Smile and Be Friendly
It’s hard to imagine having to dole out this advice, but many people have become far less social. If you find that your guard is up when you are walking out doors or entering a store, you might want to consider starting a new practice. Try smiling at people. You don’t have to marry anyone you smile at – it’s not a commitment. But showing those pearly whites makes others feel good and that will ripple into lifting your spirits as well. When you smile, you are much more attractive and that’s what you want.

The desire for love and companionship is a basic human need. But romance doesn’t often just happen spontaneously – you’ll have to put a bit of effort in. It’s worth it – none of my happy clients have ever say to me – “Wow all the time I spent looking for my partner was such a waste.” Make finding love a priority today.
             

About the Author:
Discover the new breakthrough audio program, I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now at www.NeverTooLate.biz  by Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach. As a speaker, workshop leader, and author, Ronnie offers proven dating strategies via coaching, online profile writing and review, her book, audio programs, and her blog. She’s been featured on Sally Jesse Raphael Radio, MSN.com and MORE.com as well as TV, radio, and print. Ronnie found love and married over 40 and knows if she could do you, you can too!

Venus, the Roman Goddess of Love is an ancient archetype for feminine beauty and romantic love. I interviewed her to see how she might help you connect with her energy and your own divine allure.

Here’s what Venus shared with me.

Ronnie: Venus, thank you so much for taking this interview. I’m sure you have so many things to look after being a Goddess and all.

Venus: Ronnie, no problem, it’s really my pleasure. As the Goddess of Love, it’s part of my duties to help every woman with her romantic life and s-e-x appeal. Since I’ve been the inspiration for artists over the centuries, I certainly have a lot of experience with this topic. (Giggle and a smile)

Ronnie: What is the best way for a woman to tap into her own divine beauty?

Venus: First and foremost, take time for yourself. Many women are well-versed in the mothering archetype, forgetting their own needs. But, caring for yourself is a real method of honoring yourself - and that is fundamental to connecting with your inner Goddess.

To start, take steps to pamper your self with good skin care, a great hair cut and color if desired, the right make up for you, drink plenty of water and rest. Next, to heighten your sensuality, get a massage.

Nothing like a little non-threatening human touch to wake up your senses and desire for contact. Touch is one of the most neglected of our senses in the modern world. Other bodywork modalities also will work like Reiki, aromatherapy, etc.

Ronnie: What a great point you make about missing touch. I was single for most of my adult life until 40 when I started my dating journey. I rarely got beyond a hand shake or occasional hug from a girlfriend. I didn’t even realize how much I craved a man’s touch, even just basic affection.

Anything else to get back into sensuality?

Venus: Baths can be great. Luxuriate in a scented bubble bath, open a bottle of champagne, play some great music and treat yourself royally. You’re worth it. Treasure yourself so you know what it’s like to be treated well.

Ronnie: Any tips on how a woman can increase her allure and appeal while she’s out there looking for the right partner?

Venus: Believing is key. Single women have to believe that love is real and possible for them. And it is. Trust me, as the Goddess of Love, this is one thing I know for sure. Also, it helps to believe in yourself. Know that you are worthy, attractive, and desirable. If you don’t feel connected to your own appeal, then do something about that! Buy some new clothing that looks fabulous. Get a makeover. Start an exercise program. You get the idea. Whatever will raise self- esteem and self-image.

Another method is to actually visualize yourself as someone men notice. Imagine that you are s-e-x-y, catch a man’s eye and feel good about that whole experience. The more you practice this visualization and the accompanying good feelings, the more it will become your reality.

Ronnie: Venus, I can’t thank you enough for your words of wisdom. I hope we can talk again. And please do whatever you can to help all my readers find the love they want and deserve.

Venus: It’s been my pleasure to share and I will do all I can to facilitate love this holiday season. Cupid is my son you know, so I’m connected.

Download your FREE Momference Guide to Love and Relationships! Over 40 pages of articles on love and relationships written by 14 Momference experts.

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About the Author:
Find out about a new breakthrough audio program called I Believe: Affirmations to Find Love Now at  www.NeverTooLate.biz by Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach. As a professional speaker, workshop leader, and author, Ronnie offers savvy dating strategies and proven methods that work via coaching, online profile writing and review, audio programs, and oodles of inspiring articles on her blog. She’s been featured on Sally Jesse Raphael Radio, MSN.com and MORE.com as well as TV, radio, newspapers and magazines around the US and UK. Ronnie found love and married over 40 and knows if she could do you, you can too!

At the risk of betraying my sex, I’d like to put a big heart-shaped kibosh on the vast Valentine’s Day industrial complex. I like romance as much as the next gal, but in my sometimes humiliating experience, Valentine’s Day is more likely to sink a love boat than float it.  For starters, the fevered anticipation sets women up for unrealistic expectations, far beyond the ability of men who are still recovering from the Super Bowl. Once when I was single, my boyfriend dutifully anted up with the requisite long-stemmed red roses. I swooned with happiness, as I had been waiting 23 years to receive long-stemmed red roses. (Yes, this means I had been waiting since birth!) Yet my happiness lasted only a nanosecond, because they were the saddest, droopiest looking rosebuds in the history of horticulture. In a moment of horrifying clarity, the roses became an omen: If they bloomed, I’d end up sporting a diamond ring. But if they stalled in the bud stage  . . . well, that outcome was simply unspeakable.

         
With no other prospective boyfriends on the horizon, failure to thrive was not an option. In a Valentine’s Day-induced panic, I called a florist, describing the roses’ symptoms in detail. (In retrospect, no rosebuds could have bloomed in a small apartment where I had sucked up all available oxygen with my neurosis.) I attempted gardening CPR: clipping their stems at 45 degree angles, refilling the vase with water that was exactly 92 degrees (good thing I had a thermometer handy), and administering aspirin to the water, even though I was the one with the headache. If I had been offered roses on February 13 or 15, I would have enjoyed them for as long as they lasted. But because it was February 14, I worried myself sick over their condition instead.  Is this any way to run a romance?

          
For women without significant others, February 14 creates a hostile environment unlike any other. They must bravely face down supermarket aisles bursting with pink greeting cards, chocolate samplers, and guys on street corners waving fragrant bouquets of flowers in their faces. True, women have never needed men to enjoy high-octane raspberry filled truffles. In fact, guys are often a nuisance during otherwise intimate chocolate moments. And valiant singles will simply pretend that February 14 is just any other day, no more significant than Fish Amnesty Day, while subconsciously stopping at Marshall Field’s for a new bauble before settling down with DVDs starring George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey.

             
Men don’t have it much better. For them, February 14 is a day of heart-shaped extortion, costing them roughly the same as the looming federal heist of April 15. Men are on the hook for a good dinner out (guys, this means a place where you don’t order standing up) and some bling-worthy jewelry, pending solitary confinement on the couch for two weeks. But men who find themselves in this sad state can at least take succor in their fantasy league baseball while their women cool off.

           
For my money, a man is at his most romantic when he is wearing something really sexy, such as a dish towel slung over his shoulder while he scrubs a pot. Diamonds may be forever, but so is the lingering memory of a man going mano a mano with a Dustbuster, neatening up the house before showering for his lady love.   Candy is dandy, and jewelry looks cool on me, but I’d rather get them in March or July – just about any other day without an implied threat: Show me you love me, or else!

Download your FREE Momference Guide to Love and Relationships! Over 40 pages of articles on love and relationships written by 14 Momference experts.

About the Author:  Judy Gruen’s latest hilarious book is  The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement. Her work has also appeared in the Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, Los Angeles Times, Ladies’ Home Journal, and many other publications. Read more of her work on www.judygruen.com.