Momference: A Meeting of the Moms

Being a mom of a daughter can be the most priceless relationship. It can also be the most costly relationship on your emotions if you find yourself cornered into the 5 most common roles mom’s take on when their little darling becomes an attitudinal teenager. After having worked with over 1,500 mother’s and daughters in private practice, I have come to discover that no mom is really alone when it comes to raising a teen girl. This is comforting news because I want you to know you’re not “doing it all wrong” with your daughters. By virtue of the fact that girls put you in the following roles, it’s no wonder why on some days you thank your lucky stars for your wonderful daughter, and other days you contemplate putting her up for adoption!

Here are the 5 most common roles mom’s often fall into when raising their daughter’s, and a remedy to help you be more clear on which role to take on.

1. Mom as Friend vs. Mom as Parent

One day your daughter comes to you and asks, “What do you think of this outfit?” You are so happy to be sharing fashion advice with her. You feel connected and bonded. The next day your daughter asks you for permission to go to a party where you know there will be kids attending who you don’t feel are a good influence on her. Your role as parent is to protect her and you have to say no. This juxtaposition of roles can make any relationship challenging, but especially the mother-daughter one. What’s a mom to do to keep the two roles balanced so there can be a level of closeness between you?

Remedy: Always keep your role as PARENT in the forefront being willing to be temporarily unpopular in order to set the limits she needs.

2. Mom as Dumping Ground/Punching Bag

It may feel like a compliment that your daughter often comes to you when she’s upset, but when she regularly dumps her latest drama (girl-drama, boy-drama, teacher-drama) or blames you for what goes wrong in her life (lost homework, failed math test, wrong wardrobe, annoying siblings etc.) it can feel next to impossible to have a close relationship. On one hand, you want to hold loving space for her to have her angst and talk to you about it all, but you also don’t appreciate being verbally punched out because she’s having a bad day. Maybe if she said thank you or please a little bit more, or gave you less sarcasm or eye-rolls, you’d be able to be the container of her “ka-ka d’jour” with more ease and grace, but the question becomes, how much should you as a mom take before you feel like you have two metaphoric black eyes?

Remedy: Balance time listening and being exposed to her negative attitude or problems, with time to replenish yourself physically, mentally, or emotionally. Whether it be by going to Pilates, your therapist or practicing mediation, be sure to balance your needs with hers.

3. Mom as Investigator/Detective

As the mom of a teen daughter, it is your responsibility to keep your daughter safe, right? ABSOLUTELY!! To do that you need to know her whereabouts 24/7, who her friends are, what her social plans are, etc. You’re being the responsible, caring and protective parent you should be, right? Right again! So why is it the second you ask her to tell you more about her plans, or should I say desired plans for the weekend, she lays into you and tells you you’re unfair, everyone else’s parents are letting them go to the party (the one without adult supervision) and that you’re overprotective, strict and “sooo annoying!!” Sound familiar? Yes, this is one of those roles you really can’t escape if you want to keep your precious daughter safe and out of cars being driven or surrounded by teens who have been drinking or smoking pot. The challenge in this role is in setting the limits and yet also giving her some leeway to experience some freedoms. What’s too much? What’s appropriate? Where’s the line in the sand?

Remedy: Don’t fret…this is THE hardest area when raising teens. Be patient with yourself and this part of raising your daughter. Take a deep breath, pause, check out your feelings with your spouse or a friend, and then get back to her from a place of inner strength with your response for her latest request.

4. Mom as Teacher

As mom’s this role is often the hardest to distinguish from the others because it is your job to teach your daughter appropriate social graces, (like sending overdue thank you cards from her 13th b-day party that was over 2 months ago) morals, values and responsibilities. But I often hear teen girls tell me they regularly feel lectured to, preached to, and yelled at by their mom’s. My 16 year old client, Danielle recently told me, “It’s like my mom is always trying to ‘bring me to the light’ with her lectures, and if she’d leave me alone a little more, I’d learn my own way.” One of the hallmarks of raising an adolescent is knowing when to teach and when to let them learn on their own. After all, learning is often preceded by making a mistake right? If you have found yourself getting excessive eye-rolls or major attitude lately, your teen daughter may be feeling like her history teacher is not only someone she sees during 4th period, but someone she lives with too.

Remedy: Ask questions to elicit her own feelings, values and thoughts. It’s important to empower her to think critically instead of ALWAYS teaching her your way of looking or handling a situation. Try things like, “What do you think your options are?” or “What are your thoughts and feelings about _______.”

Once she’s given you her insights, THEN share yours. She’s much more likely to hear them!

5. “Fix It” Mom

There’s nothing more difficult than watching your teenage daughter go through the bumps and bruises of adolescent life. Whether it’s a betraying best friend, lying boyfriend, or teacher/coach you feel isn’t pulling for your daughter, you want to jump in and advise her on what to do, or better yet, handle it for her. If you find your teenager confiding in you less, tuning out your advice, or refusing to share about her life, you may have fallen deep into the FIX-IT mom role. Your daughter may fear that you are going to do something to “fix” the situation that would embarrass or might have negative repercussions. Again, as you struggle with watching her go through personal challenges your teenage daughter doesn’t want her mom to fix her problems for her, but she does want to know you’re there to listen to her (see role, Mom As Dumping Ground) or that you’re just “there.” She may want to share her challenges in order to get your insights/opinions but not to fix her problem.

Remedy: Share experiences she can relate to from your own teen years, and again, ask empowering questions to help her connect to her own feelings and options.

A few words of encouragement: None of these roles, in and of themselves is inherently negative. And actually, there are upsides to each of these roles as well.

The most important thing is to realize that you wear many hats and have many roles in your daughter’s life. Your most important role is consistently showing her you are there for her, in a non-invasive way. Though that can be tricky, I know you are doing the best you can!! Easy does it ok? Tomorrow is always another day!!

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© Copyright 2007-2008 Tami Walsh, M.A. & TeenWisdom

Tami Walsh, M.A. is President of TEENWISDOM, a life coaching company created for the empowerment of young women. She is a member of the National Speaker’s Association and author of “The Did-Wells Journal” for teen girls.